The Water Is Wide
by m47e47l
Summary: A series of letters written, but remain unsent. Sydney's inner thoughts as she goes about the trials and tribulations of season 5. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **A series of letters written, but remaining unsent. Sydney's inner thoughts as she goes about the trials and tribulations of season five.

**A/N: **I have wanted to write a season five fic for a very long time, but given that I am not as knowledgeable about it (yet) as the previous 4 seasons, I was unsure if I could really embark on a fic yet. However, this idea came to me and I thought 'This I can do'. The chapters are smaller than I usually write, however I think that there is a lot more to them. I can only hope that I serve the series justice. Let me know what you think.

**Disclaimer: **The title of this fic comes from the song 'The Water Is Wide' by Karla Bonoff.

* * *

She sat on the couch, exhausted. In front of her, the fireplace crackled. It really wasn't all that cold, but the flames would soon prove themselves necessary. Standing, she made her way over to the desk. With one eye on the framed photograph of him, she pulled out a piece of paper and pen. This would be the first one, but not the last, she knew. For this would be what it would take to keep her sane.

_Dear Vaughn,_

_Today we buried you. And while I knew that the entire ceremony was a farce, I still felt my heart breaking in two. Because even though you are not dead, even though you still live, you are not here beside me. Is it crazy of me to think that it may be easier to continue if you were really dead?_

_Without you, I feel lost...off balance, almost. Knowing that you won't be there when I wake up, knowing that you won't be around to talk to for who knows how long, makes me feel as if the universe is completely out of whack._

_How am I supposed to do this, Vaughn? Keep up the pretense of a grieving "widow" with the knowledge that you are not dead? I think that I have discovered a new form of torture, as I begin to go about my days, waiting for this to be over. Waiting to have your smile back in my life. But what tortures me the most is that now, more than ever, is a time that we should be spending together. How the hell am I supposed to bring our child into the world alone, when you are thousands of miles away...is there anything more wrong that you are being robbed of being involved in this experience. That I am being robbed of your amazing support that I so desperately need? I feel an anger seethe through me at the thought that a family is being ripped apart before it even begins._

_I do try and focus on the positives- like that one day everything will be back in its place. But as soon as that tiny sliver of silver lining makes its way into my mind, the screaming negatives take over, making themselves loud and clear. How long will we have to wait before laying eyes on one another again? Do you have any idea what I would give up just to experience your touch one more time?_

_Dad keeps telling me to be strong- for yours and the baby's sake. How weird does that sound? The baby. _Our _baby, Vaughn. I promise you now that I will be doing everything in my power to ensure that you will be here to see our son or daughter grow up. What were the names you liked? Owen and Clementine...I'm sorry. No more joking around about the kid's name. _

_You know, we only agreed on Isabelle. I can't choose a name by myself. That should be our decision._

_So here's hoping that she's a girl, hey?_

_I try and imagine what you must be going through- mentally and physically. I know that you must be in pain, but I know that you will come through this. You have to, Vaughn. The two of us are waiting for you to come back._

_I should go...not that I want to. This letter has been the first conversation I've had with you since the hospital. If I listen hard enough, I can convince myself that I can hear your voice. Is that crazy? I don't care. I need you to get through the days._

_Before I go, I have to ask you a question. How did you do it? When I "died" what was it that made you see the light at the end of tunnel? Your return is my light, but I need some serious help in making sure that I actually get there._

_I love you, Vaughn. Come back to me soon,_

_Sydney_

Placing the pen down, she stood up and made her way over to the fireplace. Reading over her words one last time, she released the paper into the flames. She could only hope that somehow they would end up where they were supposed to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Shniblet47 ILOVEALIAS4EVER & islandbluebird: **Thank you for your feedback.

**ILOVEALIAS4EVER: **I have four letters written at this present time.

**islandbluebird: **This fic will be focusing only on season 5, but I will definitely be taking the suggestion of other seasons into consideration.

* * *

Taking a second, she glanced at the black and white image before her, before picking up the pen. She could almost hear him calling. '_Talk to me…I need to talk to you_.'  
Yet as she put pen to paper, she couldn't help but wonder…was it actually her speaking those words?

_Dear Vaughn,_

_I found her. I found Renee. It took me four months, but I managed it. She far from trusts me, even given my connection to you (and that connection is becoming all the more visible, believe you me). I understand her hesitation, but it is also incredibly frustrating. I need her to be able to bring down Prophet 5. I need her to ensure that you can come back home. And for that to happen we need to work together._

_But then again, I am not entirely sure if I can trust her. I know that you did, and that should be enough but…well, you just had to go and align yourself with number 8 on the CIA's Most Wanted list, didn't you?_

_(Renee was incredibly disappointed to hear that news- apparently she liked her status as number 6 much more)._

_It is hard to believe that four months has passed since I saw you last. I am not going to lie or sugarcoat this. It is only getting harder and harder not being around you. I am convinced that you won't argue that point with me. I often think that what I am experiencing is absolutely nothing compared to what you must be going through. I have the support of dad. The others at A.P.O are amazing as well. It's just that they think I am grieving my dead fiancé. Only dad can begin to understand, and give the words that I need to hear._

_You, on the other hand, are doing this alone. I just wish that I could be there, beside you, giving you the support you need to get through your recovery. Promise me that you will recover, Vaughn. You are on my mind all day, every day and I do try to send comfort your way. I let myself fantasize that you are doing the same thing. In a way it makes the distance between us seem a little smaller._

_I guess what I am trying to say, is that you may be alone physically, but not emotionally. You have to know that I am, in a way, right there beside you. And I am sure that my father is sending you his own form of well wishes…you know, I think that he has actually come to terms with you being part of my life. I would like to say that there are others thinking and wishing support, but well…they kind of think that you are six feet under at the moment._

_Was that a joke? Would you call that a joke? Should I even be attempting to joke about something like that? Please tell me that it's ok, that I am not an awful. That it was just another defense mechanism to get us through this ordeal._

_Do you remember that grasshopper joke, the one you told from years ago? God, it was awful. But it made me smile. You could always make me smile…I don't smile all that much anymore. I pretend, but it's not all that easy._

_Do you smile? I loved your smile…love. That sounds so awful, but it's the way I have to speak. Can you imagine it, me having to watch every single word that comes out of my mouth to ensure that I speak about you in a past tense? I hate doing it. Every time "he was" or something like that comes out, it makes me feel as you are truly dead. _

_And let's face it, if you are not by my side, you may as well be…_

_I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's just that…lately…_

_I came face to face with him, Vaughn. The bastard that filled you with bullets. He was there, within my grasp and he got away. The coward killed himself. He will never be punished for what he did to you, to us. He will never have to face justice…you will never have the chance to face him. How is that fair? In a way, we are both prisoners of the situation we have been placed in, and yet he faced no cell. It's that sick, twisted and cruel world all again, Vaughn._

_And that's not all. Weiss left. He got this amazing job offer in D.C. He said that he was going to turn it down; that he couldn't leave me after what happened to you. And for a second, I wanted to ask him to stay…I still want to ask him. I know that he would have, but how could I have done that to our friend? I couldn't. And besides, it was about time that he started to put himself first._

_But, even with that thought, it did not make his good-bye any easier. You know how much of a rock Weiss is. A rock that I wanted so badly to cling to at the moment. He's not only one of my best friends; he is also the closest tangible thing that I have to you._

_But do you know what has been the hardest to experience? I had an ultrasound. For the first time I saw and heard our baby's heartbeat…I saw our baby._

_And you weren't there._

_You should have been there. And I am starting to come to a realization about a lot of things. Not only are we apart, but you are not going to be there for when the baby kicks for the first time. You are not going to be there to pick out paint samples and decorate the nursery. And the chances are extremely high that you will not be there for the birth of our child._

_As I said, it is getting harder and harder being without you. That whole 'time heals' spiel is a load of crock, as far as I am concerned._

_Time is something that keeps us apart longer, robbing us of the small joys that we should be experiencing together._

_I am getting angry. I shouldn't be using this time getting angry. This is about you and me. Making me feel as if you were standing right beside me._

_There is a full moon tonight. When I look at it, I wonder if you are looking at it too._

_I like to think so…_

_I love you Vaughn. Time may keep us apart, but my thoughts will not.  
__Sydney._

Standing in front of flames, she pressed her lips onto the folded paper. She could still imagine the feel of his lips…she hoped that he could still imagine hers.  
Releasing the paper, she closed her eyes, unable to watch as the flames licked at her words, erasing any proof that he still existed.


	3. Chapter 3

**seeley's sweetheart, Muddy Poodle & mony-hp: **Thank you all so much for your feedback.

* * *

She sat outside, the sun warming the nape of her neck. In her hand, the letter she had just written. The letter that she wanted to read once more before letting go.

_Dear Vaughn,_

_Things are moving on at APO and I am not all that sure whether I like it. Your 'replacement' (ugh, how awful is that word?) is, well…I'm sure that he will be able to work within a team. What he needs to realize, and realize fast, is that we are a team within APO. But I have no idea as to whether he'll be able to adapt to our ways._

_Thomas Grace is his name and I know I shouldn't, but I find myself comparing him to you. How would Vaughn react in this situation? How would have Vaughn handled that issue better?_

_Why should he be able to go about his day freely when you cannot?_

_He is not the only new addition around here. Rachel Gibson, and along with her, my past at SD-6 has made a screaming return. She was told she was a part of the CIA, when she was actually working directly under Gordon Dean. She worked for the man who just about destroyed your life. The bastard lied to her, just as Sloane lied to me._

_She is so young, Vaughn, I hate to use the term 'fragile'- it is so damn condescending, but that is all I can think of at the moment. She has so many hopes and aspirations and ideals. Who knows how many of them remain now that she knows the truth._

_I can't help but think back to when I was her age. What was it that I wanted to achieve? Sure, I was reveling in the notion that I was serving my country, working towards a successful career and all of that. What I am wondering about is the everyday things…the normal, average things._

_What is scaring me is that fact that my personal wants have seemingly been destroyed or taken away by my line of work. Like most, I wanted marriage- Danny gone. I needed and loved my friends so much- Will and Francie gone. Regardless of my mother, I would have really loved to give a go at teaching…and like that was ever going to happen._

_And of course, there is you and me. We were ripped apart once by our enemies, but obviously that wasn't enough. You know, when you proposed, things had never felt so right, even between Danny and myself…I don't know. You feel like home to me. And I really believed that we had what it took to make it last._

_I just realized what I wrote there- making it sound as if we were really over. Please forgive me. I do not believe that for a second. I could not even entertain the thought…it would be like asking bad karma to walk through the door._

_Do you think about the future, our future? Do you focus on the past times that we had together? Or is it just that you focus on getting through each day as it comes. For me, it's the thoughts of our future that gets me through the days. I have no specific images, just a comfort in the fact that one day you will be back with you family._

_I guess I am too scared to picture you with our baby. Because if it eventuates that I never get to see that in reality, it will be too crushing._

_I hate how depressing my words are. I should be telling you happy stories, filling you with warmth. But I would feel guilty doing that, like I was rubbing you face in the fact that weren't here. I know, I know, I can just hear you protesting that. I guess that what it comes down to is that I have no happy stories._

_God, how pathetic does that sound? I'm not saying that I am walking on a dark and depressed mess- knowing that you are alive and on your way to well stops that from happening. It's just that at the moment I feel as if I am just going through the motions._

_Do you know what I mean?_

_In a way I am grateful for Rachel's arrival. I can hear you chuckling as I embark upon being a handler- 'What goes around, Syd, comes around'…that's what you would be saying, right? And I have a feeling that you are right, but you know what? I think that Rachel is going to be good for me. A nice, fulfilling distraction._

_Well, the time has arrived again. The time when I need to put down this pen. The time I hate._

_I love you, Vaughn. Here's to the future and present distractions._

_Sydney_

Almost mechanically, she folded the paper in straight precise lines and then crouched down. With a sigh, she placed the letter into the hole that she had dug previously. And as she pushed the dirt back over the top, she almost felt sick. After all, she was, in a way, burying him once again.


	4. Chapter 4

She was alone in the apartment and she wasted no time. Sitting herself at the kitchen bench, with one of their favourite songs playing softly in the background, she picked up her pen. The words flowed easily, as they did everytime. Never once did she have nothing to say to him.

_Dear Vaughn,_

_I realized something when I woke up this morning. The traces that you had left behind are all but gone. The pillow beside me, your scent has faded from it. It has gone. And your clothes, the shirts that hang in the wardrobe are now beginning to smell musty. I used to be able to put one on and have you envelope me. But not anymore._

_Traces of you are slowly disappearing and it is scaring me, Vaughn._

_This sounds so horrible, but now that it is gone, I am having trouble remembering your scent. Sure, I have your aftershave. But that is not what I am talking about. I am thinking of all that comes underneath. That is what I am struggling to remember._

_Does that make me an awful person? Because the little things are starting to elude me?_

_I try and remember the creases in your face that deepen when you smile, or furrow when you frown. I try and imagine what it feels like when you run your hands over my skin. I have no idea if what I think is real, or just a fantasy that has developed over these past months. I make myself think about the way your voice sounds when you are talking at work, or talking to Weiss…or talking to me._

_But the thing is, I do not want to have to _remember _all these things. I want to have you hear, learning something new about you everyday._

_Are you feeling the same way? Are you having the same difficulties?_

_You wouldn't recognize me now, Vaughn. I can vouch for that. I am huge…and its getting to the point where I have to accept I can no longer do what I used to._

_And you know better than some how I get when I can't do what I want._

_I never realized what it was like to be on the other end of the comm.- being a handler to the asset. And you know what? If it had not been for you, I am not sure that I could have done it. Because of you, I knew exactly what I had to do to ensure that Rachel felt safe out in the field._

_You were that voice in my ear that got me through all matter of things. You were my guardian angel._

_And here I go again with the past tense. You _are_, Vaughn. You are._

_Speaking of Rachel, she has moved in. it's nice, having the company. I never liked living alone. It is just taking a little getting used to, seeing her toothbrush on the bathroom sink and all of that._

_Hers where yours should be, right?_

_She sometimes _asks_ about you and about how I can do this alone. She feels guilty, I think, because she worked for the people who "killed" you. If I could tell the truth about you to only one person, I would choose her. I know what it feels like to be suffering that kind of guilt and I would do anything to ebb that for her._

"_You do it because you have to" is what I told Rachel, when she asked me about doing it alone. But I don't know if I really am. How can I accept doing this alone when you are not really gone?_

_Being amongst strangers is easiest for me at the moment. Because around them I can pretend that everything is perfect. I can tell them that you are at home, doing so many things, being so supportive and wishing that you could do more. I can tell them that we painted the nursery the night before and that you have been there for every doctor's appointment._

_I can tell them that you have been by my side for every step of the way and that you are not going anywhere._

_But then I go back home, or back to work and reality checks back in. you are not here…and then another part of me breaks._

_Do you break? How often?_

_If so, how much longer can we continue before we are shadows of our former selves?_

_I love you, Vaughn. Until you are by my side once again,_

_Sydney._

Finishing the letter with a sigh, she stood and made her way to the sink. Placing the paper down on the cool metal, she turned the tap on full blast, watching the water run through her words transforming them into a wet, illegible mess. If only some things were as easy to wash away as them.


	5. Chapter 5

**seeley's sweetheart: **Thank you for your feedback.

_

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She scribbled furiously, having no idea how much longer she was going to be alone. She was enjoying having company around the apartment once again, but it certainly made it difficult to get time with him. And she needed that time, more than anything else in the world.

_Dear Vaughn,_

_I have been thinking about our wedding lately, running different scenarios through my mind. Were you serious about liking the whole barefoot on the beach thing?_

_I know that I was the one who suggested an elopement but…well, that was before everything happened. I'm not saying that my father and our friends weren't supportive before, but now there is no way that I wouldn't want to share that experience with them. After all, our friends are the ones who have truly grieved you. They are the ones forced to live through your death._

_I am just being forced to live without you, and it's looking as if we are going to be separated even longer._

_Do you remember how naïve I was when I first came to the CIA? You know, the whole 'I'll give you the names to render SD-6 useless in 2 months top' thing? I guess, in a way, I was hoping that our situation would right itself in a small amount of time. No, strike that. I was hoping desperately that you would be back by my side before our baby was born._

_I am now trying to make myself accept that is not going to happen. Your return to us is not imminent…the rate that things are moving, I can't imagine it happening until our child is on the ways to being grown up._

_I'm not sure that I can keep up the positive thinking Vaughn. Things have gone horribly wrong. We had Gordon Dean. We had him right in our clutches- the link that would help us bring Prophet 5 down. Dangled right in front of me, building up my hope, giving me something to look towards…only to die._

_And the information that he led us to only showed us how big a mess we are in. Prophet 5 is huge, Vaughn. It is like the Alliance is happening all over again. They are everywhere…including our own government. They are nameless and faceless- how on Earth are we supposed to destroy them?_

_Did you know what you were getting yourself into? Seriously, Vaughn, what were you thinking when you were approached by a woman in the CIA's Most Wanted list? I can't help but feel angry at you sometimes. Angry at you for putting us in this position._

_But then I feel so, so guilty. I can't be angry at you for trying to discover the truth. And I guess that in a way what I am feeling is more frustration and helplessness than anger._

_I feel like I can't do anything, anymore. I know, I know I have an excellent reason not to, but that doesn't make it any easier to have to sit back when somebody I love is in trouble._

_It was dad this time, Vaughn. That would have been the final straw, losing him. He is the only one who could possibly have some understanding of what we are experiencing. And when you return he will be the one that we'll be thanking for the rest of our lives. _

_Because, if it weren't for him, we would have no chance of a life to share._

_He has been amazing- the support he has shown…and believe it or not, I think that the knowledge of becoming a grandfather has actually mellowed him slightly. You should have seen him putting together the baby's cot. Yes, that's right- Jack Bristow assembling a cot._

_(Mind you, the super spy decided to set up shop in the living room without measuring the breadth of the nursery door…catch my drift?)_

_But even with his love, company and support, I still want it to be you here. I want for us to paint the nursery, to have arguments over who's reading the assembly instructions wrong…_

_I want you here…catch my drift?_

_I love you, Vaughn._

* * *

Almost methodically she began to tear the paper, trying to get the squares as small and as even as possible. She continued until her hand was filled with small bits of white. And then started, walking around the aparment. A piece in the pot plant, several placed in the back of the pantry, one in the cabinet in the bathroom, scattered under her pillows in the bathroom. When all pices had been spread, she stopped and smiled. It was as if he were there once again. 


	6. Chapter 6

She knew that her father was curious as to why she had asked for paper and pen, but thankfully he asked no questions. It was foolish to be writing here, she was well aware of that fact. But in the past months, this was the most desperate she had felt...she had never needed to speak to him more than this.

_Dear Vaughn,_

_Forgive me if this is short, but I am writing this from a hospital room, with one eye on the door. I know this is risky but I had to talk to you…after everything that has happened._

_They took me, Vaughn. Prophet 5. Had me hostage, giving me electric shocks or something…all because of something that you had told me. Something I hadn't even realised that I knew._

_The SD-6 map- you know what I am talking about. You were the one who showed it to me, but obviously not just to scare my naivety into oblivion. What on earth does Leo 47 Norte lead to? What is it that these people want to achieve? Do you know what they are searching for? Were you looking for it as well? Do you know how frustrating it is to have the one person who could help us so much 'dead'…well, of course you do. I just wish that you had been able to give me more information before you left._

_I am feeling more and more lost with you not being here._

_We were together again, did you know that? Whatever it was that they did to me, the regression technique they used to extract my memories, it…it was us all over again. You were there, right by my side. Asking me to marry you…in that prison in North Korea…trying to make me feel as if everything would be ok on the pier…_

_I could really do with another one of those pep talks, Vaughn. Tell me that I just have to be strong. Tell me that can call and speak to you whenever I need. Just let me hear your voice._

_I just want you here, Vaughn. These people terrify me. I have no idea what they want from me…and please, next time that you decide to plant information in my subconscious, a head's up would be very much appreciated._

_I should tell you that it's still there, though. Not for one second did I ever consider giving it up to them. So right now, they are on a wild goose chase and your secret is safe with me, Vaughn._

_It's under three weeks now, Vaughn. Less than 21 days until our baby's due, until I get to hold him or her in my arms. Who knows how long it will be before you can do that._

_It is so hard to believe, isn't it, that this day is finally approaching. I didn't think that it were possible to feel so excited and terrified at once…and of course, sick with loneliness. It is also hard to think that we have been apart for this long._

_I guess that I'll be seeing you soon, in a way- in our child. I can just feel it. They are going to have you eyes, Vaughn. I could not imagine it in any other way._

_You're probably wondering about the hospital. I am fine, we are both fine. There was a…complication, but it has been completely rectified. You have absolutely no reason to worry, about the two of us anyway. We are absolutely healthy and just waiting for dad (and by that I mean you, not Jack)._

_I think that I should go now. I am so sorry that this is so short. Believe you me, but I do not want this conversation to end at any time. But I don't feel safe writing in such a public place._

_I love you, Vaughn. Next time you'll be hearing from the both of us._

_Sydney._

There was no time to reread her words and imagine his response to them. To try and hear his voice respond. Instead, she stood up gingerly, tearing the paper as she walked across to the hazardous materials bin. Taking a moment to kiss the scraps in her hand, she then threw them away. They would be safe in there, away from prying eyes. The only question lingeing on her mind was...was she safe?


	7. Chapter 7

**seeley's sweetheart: **Thank you for youe feedback. And yes it is awesome having season 5 finally on our television. I already seen the season as well, but that doesn't stop me from watching it again- even given the henious time slot (I sleep my way through my morning lecture on Monday as a result...)

* * *

She sat, crossed-legged, on the floor listening to the almost inaudible breaths of the sleeping baby. She had to somehow bring him to her, to both of them. To give her the feeling that he was a part of this all. To give her the illusion that he would not miss out on it all...

_Dear Vaughn,_

_She's here. A girl an absolutely beautiful and perfect little girl. I know that dad got the message to you, but I wanted to tell you myself. I wanted for us to be able to share in the joy together._

_And after the past months I think that we more than deserve a little joy, right?_

_Do you know how much I wanted to see your face when you heard the news? To watch your features light up and your face break into that amazing smile?_

_I called her Isabelle. How could I have possibly chosen any other name? Besides, it is absolutely perfect- she truly is a beautiful one (I know, I know- mother's bias, but there is no other way to describe her)._

_And she does have your eyes._

_Oh, how I wish that you could see her. More than having you back in my arms, I want for you to know what your daughter looks like. To inhale her sweet scent and be enveloped by this insane love. I'm sure that you are feeling that to some degree, but until you look into her eyes…_

_I have no idea how to describe it, Vaughn. I mean, this little girl is a part of both of us. Isabelle is the future that we all have to look forward to. I look at her and can't help but think that everything is going to be ok._

_Of course, the moment I look away, reality comes crashing back down. Some things have come to light recently. Prophet 5- my mother is a part of it. She was who had me abducted in order to find the Horizon. She sat and watched the entire process, and when I gave them false information, she came to me as a mother…manipulated me._

_And there's more. She knew…about the hit on you. I asked her if she was the one who put the order out, but she never gave me an answer. All she said was that she knew about your investigation and that she tried to warn you in Sovogda._

_Did you know that she was a part of it? Did you have any inkling at all?_

_It was a real blow. I'm not saying that my mother is trustworthy and incapable of deceit, but after Sovogda…well, there was a part of me hoping that she would keep any agenda's that she may have out of my life. I should have known better. That no matter how much Irina claims to love me, deep down is a thirst for power overriding any other emotions._

_Parts of me may have been able to live with other things that she has done, but the fact that she stood by, watching our life being ripped apart is not one of them._

_She once said to me that the truth takes time. Well, I have finally seen her as the person she truly is._

_She failed at being mother, Vaughn, and she had the audacity to tell me that I would too. That I would either fail at being a mother or an agent. By doing that she placed me in the same category as herself._

_I can tell you now, that as well as getting you back home, I am determined to prove her wrong. I want nothing more than to be home with Isabelle, but until those who provide a risk are gone, I can't. I want for our daughter to grow up safe, and to do that I need to be both a mother and agent…for the time being at least._

_I can do it, can't I? We can do it, can't we, Vaughn? If you say that it is so, then I can believe it. I know, I know- I am usually strong enough to come to conclusions myself, but this is something that I am going to need some support with._

_Alone, I am not entirely sure, but together…we will be indestructible, Vaughn. I just know it._

_We have a reason to truly fight now. My past intentions and ideals seem somewhat diminished when I look at Isabelle. When I do return to the field, I will be risking so much more, but it's a risk that we need to take. I will continue this fight until we are together as a family, living somewhere reclusive and beautiful, without having to worry if somebody is waiting for us around the corner._

_I'm sitting in Isabelle's room right now, listening to her breathe as she sleeps. Our daughter's mere presence has the ability to completely soothe me. I cannot wait for you to experience that._

_I have no idea as to whether we are any closer to being together. The wait is going to be even more agonizing- because right now I am waiting for the both of us._

_I love you, Vaughn. Waiting for the day when you, I and Isabelle become complete._

_Sydney._

Standing up, she moved towards the dresser. She folded the paper once...twice into a neat rectangle. She picked up the photograph of him that she had placed there. Removing the back, she placed the paper behind the photo and then sealed it again. It was a huge risk, not destroying the letter. But, for now, this was only way that father and daughter were going to be together.


	8. Chapter 8

She stood by railing. The spray of salty air into her face was a comfort to her. It had been too long since she had been here. The last time, well it wasn't even real in the first place. She glanced down at the pushed beside her, at her small daughter within in. she had been meaning to bring her here since the day she had been born. To the place where her parents had started...

_Dear Vaughn,_

_I have absolutely no idea where to start- so much has happened since I spoke to you last. I'll start with the bad news- if I can call it bad. Horrible, awful…they seem like much more appropriate words._

_Nadia is dead, Vaughn. Not from the coma. She woke from that. The doctors have no idea how she came out of it, but she did. I got to speak to her, hug her and most importantly, she got the chance to meet Isabelle. That moment will be second only to when you get to hold her in your arms._

_She was angry at Sloane, for obvious reason. But I convinced her to give him another chance. His behaviour over the past year indicated to me that his one concern and priority was his daughter._

_I could not have been more wrong and it is a mistake that I will carry with me forever._

_He killed her, Vaughn. Sloane took the life of his own daughter. Even with all his power obsessions, I thought that Nadia would still be the most important part of his life. I mean, when I look at Isabelle, there is nothing that I would not sacrifice. The thought of somebody causing her harm makes me feel physically ill. I cannot even begin to fathom causing that harm myself. What sort of a parent could honestly do that?_

_And how we all think that Sloane had it in himself to leave Rambaldi behind? That quest is so important to him that he killed his own daughter for it._

_But it doesn't end there, Vaughn. Nadia is not the only one. It's Renee…Prophet 5 got to her. They killed her._

_When you first sent me on that path to find her all those months ago, I never thought that I would come to respect a wanted criminal so much. Or admire the way she works…or ever come to care for her as a person._

_But I think what affected me the most about her death was the incredibly selfish thought that it could have been you. I mean, Prophet 5 came so close to doing it all ready…I know that you are safe, but I can't help but think there is still a chance they might find you._

_People like that, they have ways. They have power. And they terrify me. I honestly have no idea what to think- just what is it that motivates these people to destroy innocent lives? To tear families apart at the seams?_

_I can hear you now and I know the answer too- power. And what will it mean for all of us if they get it?_

_This talk is depressing me- onto some brighter news (that is, of course, tainted slightly). I saw Will. Granted what brought us back together was Anna Espinosa abducting him._

_(Yes, she is back. But you know the drill with her- I'll meet her a couple of times in the field. She'll beat me and then I'll beat her etc, etc. The usual and then the world will be right again.)_

_So anyway, Will's little 'mishap' dragged me back into the field a little earlier than I liked (just wait to you meet the babysitters), but it was amazing to see him again._

_He's happy, Vaughn. He's getting married and he has finally got the life that he deserves. It was so crazy sitting and discussing all the things that had changed in two years. You should have seen his face when I told him about Isabelle…_

_And, of course, his face when I told him that you were "dead". It was such a cloud over the reunion. I really wanted to tell him the truth, and I mean really. If I could have just told Will the truth then he could have been as happy for me as I was for him._

_Promise me, that when you get back, one of the first things we'll do is go and visit him. Maybe you will even be back in time for the wedding (yours truly is the best man)._

_I am sure that you are desperate to hear about Isabelle and I have no idea where to begin. I want to be able to tell this face to face. No, actually, I don't…I want for you to be experiencing this personally._

_Like how her personality gets more and more individual every day. That even with nights of only four hours of consecutive sleep, I can only love her more and more. That she has the ability to melt the hardest of men (that's right, Jack Bristow- ask me to tell you the knives story when you get back)._

_People around us think that she is the piece of you remaining- your legacy and that is what makes her so precious. Only dad and I know the truth. That she is so precious because she is the one with the power to bring you back._

_I love you, Vaughn. We both do._

_Sydney_

She finished reading over her words with a small smile on her face. He would be back, one day- she had to hold onto that. She glanced at her daughter one more time, before tearing the letter up swiftly. Holding the pieces tightly, she held her arm out over the edge of the pier and out onto the water. A slight release of grip and the salty breeze was all it took to carry her words out to sea.


	9. Chapter 9

Apologies for the extremely long delay in this update- it was a many number of things that prevented me from writing and I am truly sorry.

On another note, I was originally planning on having this last chapter in two separate parts, but I think they work better together, which means that this is the final chapter.

**BristowBoyScout545: **Thank you for the feedback on the previous chapter.

* * *

Gently she pushed back the bed covers and placed her feet on the floor. Without a sound (those many years of field work had proven quite useful) she made her way over to the desk to the side of the room. With a slight smile, she picked up a pen and began to write...for the last time._  
_

_Dear Vaughn,_

_I have absolutely no idea what to say. I had always thought that writing this letter would be the easiest of them all. That my words would flow freely…I was so wrong. How could 1, for one second, have thought that writing would be easier than actually speaking these words to your face?_

_I have no idea how to describe what I am feeling without sounding clichéd. To have you home, safe and alive, well….here I go…it's like all my Christmases have come at once._

_I never expected that this would happen so soon. But here I am, sitting at the desk while you sleep in the bed so close to me._

_So why am I writing this when I could be doing what I have been yearning for since you left? I guess, I feel that I need to. To end that chapter of our lives for good. This letter will be one that I will not have to destroy. It will be something that I can keep as a memento of what we were willing to endure to cement the future of our family._

_Family._

_Do you know what it was like to watch you with your daughter? To see your face light up at her mere presence? These past months have been worth it. Yes, you missed the very beginning, but now that means you will be here to watch Isabelle grow up._

_Everything seems so much more positive now. I am more than aware that this a naïve belief for me to possess. We still have a long way to go in destroying Prophet 5, my mother…and now Sloane. He must have helped Anna, provided her with private details. It makes me physically ill to think of those two conducting a conversation about me and you and Isabelle…everything that I wanted to keep as far as possible from the spy world._

_Tell me that we'll start a new life when this is over. Move away to somewhere secluded…the beach. You always make me think of the beach._

_Just listen to me making these future plans. I know that this battle is far from over, but we have each other back. We can draw from each other…we always did so well in the field together. With you back I know that we can stop this._

_After all, you have just met the reason why we do all this. The reason why we need to make this world a safer place._

_I love you, Vaughn. And now I no longer only have the option of writing it._

_Sydney._

She saw no need to read over her words again, not with him sleeping only several feet away...and the fact that this letter would not have to be destroyed. She folded it, once, twice...four times and then opened one of the desk drawers, pulling out her diary. She placed the letter safely in the back, where it could stay, until she felt the need to read it again. Placing the diary back into the drawer, she stood and turned back to the bed, returning to him._  
_

_**xxxxx**_

He took one last glance at his sleeping daughter, the early morning rays casting a warm glow over her peaceful face, and then made his way back to their bedroom. It was almost surreal, being back. He wasn't sure that it was ever going to happen. Spotting the desk to the side of the room, he knew what he wanted to do.

_Dear Sydney,_

_I am not exactly sure why I am writing this. After all, I'm home and I can say to you anything that I want to get off my chest. But I've been thinking about all those letters I wrote while in Bhutan. All those letters written and remaining unsent. I never destroyed them. They are still over there. Maybe one day I'll get them back and you can finally read all those words I wrote for you. It was sometimes several letters a day. They made me feel close to you…got me through the long days. There really wasn't a lot of distraction there._

_It's early morning and you're asleep. I can only imagine that Isabelle will be waking soon…and finally I will be able to look after her._

_I know that I said it to you last night, but she truly is perfect. When word got to me that she had been born, I could only imagine what she looked like, what her fingers would feel like in mine, what she sounded like when she snored…_

_But nothing, absolutely nothing could measure up to the real thing. The power of unconditional love, hey?_

_You truly are amazing, Syd. To have brought this perfect little person into the world and to have done it all alone. I have that I wasn't there. I know that if I said that to you, you would say that it was out of our control, that we had to do what was right for our daughter._

_But I still feel guilty. I thought that I was protecting you by keeping you out of my investigation. A part of me will never forgive myself for putting my family in danger. When I think back to when this all started, to that day when we first crossed paths, I never considered the ramifications of my action. That the woman with the Bozo hair was going to be the mother of my child…_

_Our child._

_I promise you, Syd, that every decision I make from now on, will only be in our and Isabelle's best interests. When we bring down Prophet 5 and all those others once and for all, we will do whatever you please. Leave, live a normal family._

_Finally get married._

_Barefoot on the beach, right? It will be the first thing we do._

_I was standing by Isabelle's cot just before, watching her sleep. She was so peaceful, so content. I knew that she felt completely safe. It will be like that for us one day, Sydney. I will do everything in my power to ensure that it happens._

_After all, what you said came true- we found each other. And now I am saying that we are going to stick together._

_Love,_

_Vaughn_

When he finished, he capped the pen and then stood, letter in hand. He went over to his clothes drawers and opened one. He placed the letter, deep in one of the back corners. It would stay with him, wherever they went. A reminder and a reason to why...and why they would never let it happen again.

_**The End**_

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I just want to shout out a huge thank you to those who reviewed this fic throughout: **Shniblet47, ILOVEALIAS4EVER, seeley's sweetheart, Muddy Poodle, mony-hp and BristowBoyScout454. **You truly are a source of motivation.

Another thank you to all who read this fic- I hope that you all enjoyed it.


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